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Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart, by John Welwood
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While most of us have moments of loving freely and openly, it is often hard to sustain this where it matters most—in our intimate relationships. Why, if love is so great and powerful, are human relationships so challenging and difficult? If love is the source of happiness and joy, why is it so hard to open to it fully and let it govern our lives? In this book, John Welwood addresses these questions and shows us how to overcome the most fundamental obstacle that keeps us from experiencing love's full flowering in our lives.
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships begins by showing how all our relational problems arise out of a universal, core wounding around love that affects not only our personal relationships but the quality of life in our world as a whole. This wounding shows up as a pervasive mood of unlove—a deep sense that we are not intrinsically lovable just as we are. And this shuts down our capacity to trust, so that even though we may hunger for love, we have difficulty opening to it and letting it circulate freely through us.
This book takes the reader on a powerful journey of healing and transformation that involves learning to embrace our humanness and appreciate the imperfections of our relationships as trail-markers along the path to great love. It sets forth a process for releasing deep-seated grievances we hold against others for not loving us better and against ourselves for not being better loved. And it shows how our longing to be loved can magnetize the great love that will free us from looking to others to find ourselves.
Written with penetrating realism and a fresh, lyrical style that honors the subtlety and richness of our relationship to love itself, this revolutionary book offers profound and practical guidance for healing our lives as well as our embattled world.
- Sales Rank: #117650 in Books
- Brand: Welwood, John
- Published on: 2007-03-27
- Released on: 2007-03-27
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .60" w x 5.40" l, .58 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
Review
“With clear instructions and an even tone, Welwood shows us how to heal our psychic scars by opening up to the ‘real love’ available to us all at the core of our nature.”—Tricycle
“Welwood challenges us to move from self-hatred to self-love and to do the inner work to embrace the love that sets us free.”—Spirituality & Health
"Drawing equally from spiritual and psychological traditions, Perfect Love reads like a book of philosophy: the ideas seem sound enough, though there's no way to prove them. Welwood is most compelling when he gets practical. . . . His approach is also noteworthy for its emphasis on learning how to receive love as well as give it. . . . Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships offers both grand theories and useful practices for incorporating these lessons into your life."—Body & Soul
"Welwood skillfully identifies the fundamental obstacle in relationships and offers a clear, attainable, and transformative solution. Everyone should read this wonderful book."—Harville Hendrix, coauthor of Receiving Love and Getting the Love You Want
"This book skillfully and eloquently describes how our deepest longing for love is in fact the key to healing our personal wounds and the woundedness of the world at large. John Welwood's message echoes the Buddha's, showing us how we have direct access to the love and happiness we most long for, as our very essence."—Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness
"This book takes us on a healing and transformative journey to address the real, underlying cause of our relationship problems. John Welwood is one of the most brilliant and important teacher of our time."—Debbie Ford, author of The Best Year of Your Life and Spiritual Divorce
"Full of practical wisdom and divinely inspired insight. A marvelous guide for any seeker choosing to walk on love's path."—bell hooks, author of All About Love: New Visions
"A profound guide to healing our hearts and our world. No larger social transformation is possible unless it is simultaneously accompanied by this kind of personal healing, one individual at a time. Every social change movement should encourage its participants to take time to follow the steps outlined in this extremely valuable and important guide to psychic health."—Michael Lerner, editor of Tikkun and author of The Left Hand of God
About the Author
As a psychotherapist, teacher, and author, John Welwood has been a pioneer in integrating psychological and spiritual work. Welwood has published six books, including the best-selling Journey of the Heart (HarperCollins, 1990), as well as Challenge of the Heart (Shambhala, 1985), and Love and Awakening (HarperCollins, 1996). He is an associate editor of the Journal for Transpersonal Psychology. He leads workshops and trainings in psychospiritual work and conscious relationship throughout the world.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
All the most intractable problems in human relationships can be traced back to what I call the mood of unlove —a deep insecurity that most people harbor within themselves about being loved or lovable just for who they are. This doubt about our connection to love makes it hard to trust in ourselves, other people, life, or love itself.
The mood of unlove often shows up in the form of instant emotional reactivity to any perception of being slighted or treated badly. It's as though a huge reservoir of distrust and resentment is ready and waiting to be released—which the tiniest incident can trigger. For some couples, these emotional eruptions happen early on, blowing a budding relationship apart in their first few encounters. For others, the mood of unlove might not wreak its havoc until well into a seemingly happy marriage, when one or both partners suddenly wake up one day and realize they don't feel truly loved.
Fortunately, just as the sun is never permanently obscured by clouds, so our native capacity for love, for genuine warmth and openness, cannot be destroyed. To say that our heart is wounded means that we are lost in clouds that temporarily block our access to the sun that is always shining. Healing the love-wound, then, involves something like opening up spaces in the clouds and inviting the sun to do what it naturally wants to do: shine upon us.
Most helpful customer reviews
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
Another Way of Looking at the Relationships in Your Life
By Jon D. Kitner
I first heard John Welwood on Sounds True, a podcast about spirituality. It made a big impression on me, so much so that I listened to the program half a dozen times. Then I shared it with my family and friends. Some family and friends wondered why I wanted them to read his book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. As if my offering them this book was a suggestion that they needed therapy! So here is the point, if you are a "seeker" this book will come as a revelation, as it did for me. But, if you are a person who is not spiritual, or if you are critical of all the self help spin that our culture produces, well you know the expression, "you can lead a horse to water but..." John Welwood has put together an alternative way of viewing family relationships and creating a path towards self healing. As I studied parts of the text over and over, it became increasingly evident to me that the issues presented by the author and his ways of changing your perception about these issues was based on common sense or a kind of pragmatism that the psychologist William James would have liked. There are also Buddhist influences. I am not a Buddhist, but the direction this provides works within the framework of any faith or no faith. Anyone who struggles with their personal suffering, past or present will find some peace in this book.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
What a gift this book has been to me
By Judy Roberts
This book is so terrific that I don't know how to begin to do it justice -- but I'll try!
Many things I could say about it are paradoxes:
* It's gentle, and yet it encourages the reader to undertake some pretty challenging exercises.
* It acknowledges our wounds -- how our parents stuffed us up, etc. -- and yet it shows the way through that pain to the appreciation and joy waiting beyond the pain.
* It shares enough theory to provide an intellectual understanding of how the human (flawed) side of us is created, yet it also shares at a practical level that helps us to tap into our feelings and, through them, to reach the spiritual dimension (perfect love) that's the ground of our being.
* It uses everyday English rather than psychological or religious jargon.
* I believe people of diverse backgrounds could enjoy this book, whether they approach it from a secular, Christian, Buddhist or whatever other point of view.
Welwood shares details of his own challenges, e.g., in his relationship with his mother, and also case histories of clients in his practice as a psychologist. The stories provide tangible examples that illustrate relevant points. The personal anecdotes convey the impression that he isn't setting himself up as the know-it-all expert lecturing us ignorant minions, but humbly admits to living in the trenches of life himself.
This book has helped me to make a giant leap in accepting myself and having compassion towards myself, in short, loving myself. There has been a corresponding expansion in the sense of compassion I feel towards other people and therefore acceptance of them as they are.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
It has reconfigured my notions of love, romance
By Nowick Gray
Perhaps the most important book I have read this year. It has reconfigured my notions of love, romance, and relationship; and it has allowed me to understand my own dysfunctions in this realm in a way that is both forgiving and universal. As a practical help it provides exercises to heal the wounds of the heart and allow direct contact with the unconditional love which is the source and destination of all our yearning. The book also shines in its ability to convey its truths without jargon or specialized vocabulary, which allows it to reach a wide audience while passing on to readers the author's deep experience with both personal psychology and spiritual growth.
See all 75 customer reviews...
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